attjen

My name is Pascal McIntosh… and I hate you.

How do I know I hate you? Are you reading this? Are you English?

Then I hate you.

Oh, it is probably not your fault I hate you. It’s not your fault you are a pompous, overbearing, tasteless, tactless, useless scum of a human being. No, it’s probably not your fault you were born English.

Or that I hate you.

You see, it isn’t even my fault that I hate you. I could almost have been English myself. I was born here you see. However, my mother was French and my father was Scottish.

You are laughing already aren’t you… you… you… tea-sipping, no-penalty taking, twits!

That’s exactly the sort of thing that makes me hate you.

Oh, I tried to be English… for a time… you know, just to fit in. But it didn’t work did it?

You and your petty, ridiculous name calling: “Oh here comes Froggie McInsquash.”

I hate you. (Yes, especially you Simon Reynolds of 13 Highcastle Street… I never forget.)

I even tried to get away didn’t I? Spent some time abroad, here and there… a bit of time in foreign countries, the US, Germany, Goodison Park-Liverpool… tried to forget how much I hate you. Hate all you English pig-dogs.

But I couldn’t stop thinking about it, could I? How you can’t cook a decent meal to save your lily-white butts. How you don’t have any fashion sense. How you think that the Spice Girls could pass for decent culture.

Yes you, I am talking to you. I hate you.

Even if you aren’t English, you probably wish you were.

And I hate you.

And I’ve finally figured out how to get back at you. By taking over the only thing you care about… the only thing that can get your tiny little pea brains working more than slobbering over the latest Big Brother girl with her top off.

Football.

I start at Dover Athletic tomorrow.

(Details: CM 01/02 (still), Active League: England (of course), background leagues: France, Scotland, Germany, Italy, Spain. The players are made up, but the problems are real.)

Spav

I can't help but imagine your voice as the insulting French soldier manning the castle walls in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail".

"I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries." :p

Good start, attjen.

attjen

thanks spav. Yeah, I had the same thing happen to me while I wrote it. That's why I added the line about 'pig-dogs' which is (I think) a direct quote.)

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General Manger Nick French (already a good sign) negotiated with me for a long time but his desperation for a willing body (any body) to be manager paid off in the end. I was to have absolute control. No second-guessing my decisions. No meddling.

And no budget.

No matter. I’ll wreck havoc any way I can. Eventually I’ll have to do something about the coaching staff (all English jerks), but the roster needs to come first.

Only 29-year-old central-midfielder Stephen Scott fits within my plans. Too bad he’s wretched. I’ll have to start sending out feelers to attract the latest and greatest… or any, frankly… French and Scottish players.

The cut list is extensive, besides Scott only Ghanaian forward Yaw Commodore is spared. And that’s only because he’s not English.

Because I hate them. and you.

Terk

Nice start, attjen Starting at Dover will be something of a challenge.

attjen

thanks Terk, interesting challenge so far... playing the way I normally play, but the dearth of actual talent is far greater now...

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So you Queen-worshiping loser who smells like stale beer and chips… you’re still reading?

Good… I still hate you.

GM Nick French called me into the office in the middle of August, a few days before our season opener with Doncaster. “I sure hope you know what the b**** h*** you are doing?” he muttered when I appeared.

It hadn’t gone half bad so far. Almost the whole squad had been sent packing… Anglo-Saxon Neanderthals… and with them leaving had come a not horrible income of 275 thousand pounds.

A tidy sum, far more than I need to round up a set of warm bodies… righteous Scottish and French players full of passion, skill, touch, vision….

Okay… maybe just passion.

Okay, maybe just warm bodies.

Well, bodies at any rate.

The left side of the team was a trouble spot with no natural left-backs or left midfielders. (It’s not really surprising considering how England’s soil seems to kill any talent a left footed player might have…) Yet, a full squad had been hit upon.

I looked to be playing a 4-4-2… beat them at their own game, you might say:

Goalkeeper: For the time being 25-year-old Cyrille Castro would have to do. Toulouse Fontaines let him leave cheap since he’s just not very good. He is French.

Backline: A continental back four which looks to be our one strength going into the season. Guillaume Camara at right, Christophe Martel and Mickael Troussier in the center, and with no natural players, center-back Jean-Marc Blondeau will cover on the left.

Midfield: Holding midfielder Ian Scott, only 23-years-old, is given the task of protecting the back line, and given the captain’s armband. To his left Stephen Scott (no relation) will start, until a natural player can be found. Right side is significantly stronger, but Graeme Youngn will start for the time being. Just behind the strikers is loaner Ross Docherty.

Strikers: Only Graeme Paterson has any real talent up front, and that’s pretty sparse as it is. He’ll be partnering naturalized Frenchman Peter Ward whose English passport I’ve confiscated. He’ll have to show he belong in my plans.

The rest of the squad heading into the season are a bunch of nobodies. The less said about them the better.

They aren’t English though, otherwise…

I’d hate them.

attjen

Nine games in less than a month to start the season. Twenty-two teams fighting for one promotion spot. Stupid, stupid, hollow-headed English conference schedule… stupid English planners…

Stupid English referees…

They nearly cost us the first game of the season. Our first game at home at the Crabble Athletic ground against Doncaster nearly seemed to have slipped out of our hands. The ref turned down 3 completely valid penalty appeals in the first 70 minutes. Added on to the fact that Doncaster scored a goal early in the 5th… it looked bleak. In the 71st even a blind man (like the English ****** in the black) couldn’t miss a shove on Paterson inside the box. Docherty stepped up and buried the pk. As we’d completely outplayed the English numb-skulls from Doncaster, it was only our just desserts that loaner Docherty (soon to be signed) pounced on a rebound before the whistle to give us a 2-1 win.

Away at Morecambe almost the same squad got the same results. Ward was injured early in the game but his substitute, midfielder Sylvain Coue, scored the eventual winner moments after coming on to surprise everyone. The simple explanation is that French and Scottish nobodies are better than English nobodies, like Morecambe has.

Two first half goals from Paterson were easily enough to hold off a horrible Woking side at their home ground. Docherty scored too for an easy 3-0 win. Coue played behind the strikers as Docherty played up top for the injured Ward.

The same squad (now tiring) was held at home to a scoreless draw by an offensive defense oriented side from Hereford. Dull, dull, pretentious, dull English scum team.

Two 1-goal losses followed to Nuneaton Borough and Northwich Vics. The idiotic English scheduling causing severe fitness problems for the starting 11. Northwich’s negative uncreative tactics are everything I hate about the English. You’d love them.

New goalkeeper signing Darren Knox (a significant improvement over Castro, though nearly of retirement age) came in for the start in the next game against Southport as did George Thomson (signed as a player/coach and just returning from injury). This latter change put both Coue and Ward (also back from injury) onto the bench, but the changes up front and in goal worked well for an easy 2-0 win. Troussier (our best player so far) scored as did S. Scott.

Identical result at home against Forest Green to end the busy month. Young scoring his first of the season, and now signed Doherty getting another.

So far my English opponents haven’t glossed on to the fact my French and Scottish alliance can never truly be defeated. If I win, I show how crappy and poor the English teams are… if I lose, I’ll have handily destroyed an English club team and given employment to a few dozen of my honorable brethren.

Sometimes it’s just too easy… to hate you

attjen

<pre class="ip-ubbcode-code-pre"> ********************************************* English Conference - Saturday 15th September***************************************** ****Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts-------------------------------------1st Northwich Vics 9 3 1 0 5 0 3 1 1 8 5 20 --------------------------------------2nd Farnborough 9 3 1 1 15 6 3 0 1 8 4 19 3rd Dover 9 3 1 1 5 2 3 0 1 8 3 19 4th Chester 9 4 1 0 13 8 2 0 2 2 8 19 5th Stalybridge 9 3 1 1 10 4 2 1 1 8 6 17 Goalsos Player Club Apps Gls-------------------------------------------------------------------------1st Joe Turner Stalybridge 9 10 2nd Andrew Murphy Farnborough 9 8 3rd Michael Payne Morecambe 8 7 4th James Neville Hayes 9 6 5th Rob Sutton Yeovil 8 6 9th Ross Docherty Dover 9 4 20th Graeme Paterson Dover 9 3 Assistsos Player Club Apps Asts-------------------------------------------------------------------------1st Craig Thomson Wigan 7 8 2nd Danny Richards Dag & Red 6 7 3rd Stuart McKenzie Barnet 9 5 4th Jason Harrison Stalybridge 9 4 5th Kevin Joyce Yeovil 7 (1) 4 13th Graeme Paterson Dover 9 2 23rd Ross Docherty Dover 9 2 Average Ratingos Player Club Apps Av R-------------------------------------------------------------------------1st Joe Turner Stalybridge 9 8.22 2nd Danny Richards Dag & Red 6 8.17 3rd Craig Thomson Wigan 7 8.00 4th Andrew Murphy Farnborough 9 7.89 5th Philip Knight Southport 4 (1) 7.80 16th Ross Docherty Dover 9 7.44 17th Mickaël Troussier Dover 9 7.44 Man of the Matchos Player Club Apps MoM-------------------------------------------------------------------------1st Joe Turner Stalybridge 9 5 2nd Shaun McCann Doncaster 9 4 3rd Kevin Joyce Yeovil 7 (1) 4 4th Craig Thomson Wigan 7 3 5th Mickaël Troussier Dover 9 3 11th Graeme Paterson Dover 9 2 30th Graeme Young Dover 9 1 </pre>

Brian of Nazareth

nice start attjen - going to be one heck of a challenge with Dover, but seems you've made a solid start.

attjen

Thanks Brian... It looks impossible for me to be relegated now... but winning the conference isn't a guarantee... Next season maybe...

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With just a few English players left on the books, and a fairly full squad of Scots and Frenchmen… it is now a matter of trying to improve specific positions. Left-back and left-midfield remain the question marks.

Paul McManus, signed after the win over Forest Green, should take care of the former. Not a defensive genius, but enough skill going forward that he couldn’t be passed up.

He got the start in the next game against Stevenage and nearly won MOM on the day. Unfortunately for him, and for me, Stevenage’s horrible keeper and one of their center-backs had one of ‘those’ days where nothing went wrong for them. In the end they scored late to cancel out an early Paterson strike for a 1-1 draw.

Two more Scottish signings came in after that game, but neither should figure too highly in the immediate future.

Margate away was next, and Ian Scott showed why he is giving the captain’s armband by shutting down the opposition attack. Margate outplayed us for most of the match, but Sylvain Coue continues to show how tactically naïve these English conference sides are. By which I mean… stupid and brain-dead like their countrymen. Here’s a clue readers: MARK THE MIDFIELDER RUNNING INTO THE BOX!

For the game against Barnet, we found ourselves improving our squad a bit… maybe even more… with the signing of Xavier Vahirua. A midfield dribbling wizard, he made an immediate impact earning a penalty in the opening minutes and then scoring late in the game to give us a 2-0 win. A deserved MOM award for him then.

Away at Yeovil, two goals from Stephen Scott (still played out of position on the left of midfield) scored twice and new signing Mark Campbell got his first ever goal on his debut.

Most of the first team was rested for the FA Cup qualifying round... stupid English cup isn’t worth wasting time on yet. We went up two from a brace from Paterson but Leigh RMI scored in the 80th and 86th to force a replay.

Current first team squad:
GK: Darren Knox
DL: Paul McManus
DC: Christophe Martel
DC: Mickael Troussier
DR: Guillaume Camara
DMC: Ian Scott (c)
ML: Stephen Scott
MR: Graeme Young
AMC: Xavier Vahirua
FC: Graeme Paterson
FC: Ross Docherty

We can improve in almost every position, but I’ll probably focus on wingers and forwards at present. I’d tell you where we were in the table… but I think you might be able to figure it out below.

Oh wait… I’m sorry, you’re ENGLISH! I’d better tell you then. Dover sits in 1st place after 13 games… 2 points ahead of Northwich Vics.

attjen

<pre class="ip-ubbcode-code-pre"> ***************** English Conference - Saturday 13th October*****************Pos Team Pld Won Drn Lst For Ag Won Drn Lst For Ag Pts------------------------------------------------------------------------1st Dover 13 4 1 1 7 2 5 1 1 13 4 29 ------------------------------------------------------------------------2nd Northwich Vics 13 4 2 0 7 1 4 1 2 11 8 27 3rd Stalybridge 13 4 1 2 13 9 4 1 1 10 6 26 4th Farnborough 13 3 2 2 16 9 4 1 1 13 8 24 5th Forest Green 13 4 2 0 13 3 3 1 3 7 9 24 Goalsos Player Club Apps Gls-------------------------------------------------------------------------1st Joe Turner Stalybridge 12 12 2nd Andrew Murphy Farnborough 13 10 3rd Marcus Williams Dag & Red 13 9 4th Michael Payne Morecambe 12 9 5th James Neville Hayes 13 8 13th Ross Docherty Dover 12 5 24th Graeme Paterson Dover 13 4 27th Stephen Scott Dover 13 4 Assistsos Player Club Apps Asts-------------------------------------------------------------------------1st Craig Thomson Wigan 7 8 2nd Danny Richards Dag & Red 7 7 3rd Dave Jackson Leigh RMI 13 6 4th Stuart McKenzie Barnet 13 6 5th Jason Harrison Stalybridge 13 5 26th Graeme Paterson Dover 13 2 Average Ratingos Player Club Apps Av R-------------------------------------------------------------------------1st Joe Turner Stalybridge 12 8.08 2nd Craig Thomson Wigan 7 8.00 3rd Danny Richards Dag & Red 7 8.00 4th Andrew Murphy Farnborough 13 7.85 5th Billy Morris Scarborough 7 7.71 9th Mickaël Troussier Dover 10 7.50 17th Ross Docherty Dover 12 7.42 Man of the Matchos Player Club Apps MoM-------------------------------------------------------------------------1st Joe Turner Stalybridge 12 7 2nd Shaun McCann Doncaster 13 5 3rd Kevin Joyce Yeovil 8 (2) 5 4th Warren Terry Stevenage 5 (3) 3 5th Craig Thomson Wigan 7 3 6th Mickaël Troussier Dover 10 3 15th Graeme Paterson Dover 13 2 </pre>