shanyi

Since I might be writing reports on a local football team next year, I thought I'd get some practice and, in the form of short newspaper-esque articles, report the season I've just started with Chelsea as it happens. Sort of like Big Brother, only with Russians, no interaction and more football. So nothing like Big Brother. Anyway, if it gets boring (which it probably will), I'll stop. If for some reason, someone out there likes it, I'll carry on for a while.

shanyi

FANS IN UPROAR AS UNKNOWN MANAGER TAKES CHELSEA HOTSEAT!

Chelsea fans are furious today as Jose Mourinho, the outspoken Portuguese peacock who lead the Blues to their first Premiership win in fifty years, was sensationally ousted from the club and replaced by Shanyi, an unknown Englishman with no prior management experience. Rumours circulating are that McAlpine knew something that club owner Roman Abramovich wanted kept hidden (odds are 2-1 that Mr. Shanyi will be dead in two weeks). Shanyi had an unsuccessful playing career, plying his trade at Crapton-On-Sea for two seasons, before being transferred for a club record fee of a tea biscuit to Athletic Turdon, where he scored two goals and missed twelve penalties. However, after chatting up the Cambridge United chairman's daughter, he snogged himself a transfer to Cambridge, where he made tea and cleaned socks for the remainder of his career. It remains to be seen what Shanyi will be able to achieve in his new role as Chelsea FC manager.

shanyi

AFC WIMBLEDON 0-4 CHELSEA

Chelsea recorded their first victory under new manager Shanyi today, despite a tepid first half performance in which despite twelve efforts, only three found the target and none went in. Starting a strong lineup, Lampard, Crespo and Wright Phillips took turns in missing until early in the second half (and eight substitutes later), when Didier Drogba headed in a Duff cross. Drogba added another, a close range finish, soon after and Lampard scored the third from the penalty spot. Huth went close twice after replacing John Terry. Drogba scored his hattrick from a Del Horno cross with fifteen minutes to go, before being replaced by Tiago Mendes.

CHELSEA (4-3-2-1): Cudicini (Cech), Johnson (Ferreira), Terry (Huth), Carvalho (Gallas), Bridge (Del Horno); Lampard (Gudjohnsen), Makelele (Geremi) J Cole (Essien); Duff (Robben), Wright-Phillips (C Cole); Crespo (Drogba/Tiago).

shanyi

IPSWICH 0-2 CHELSEA

A second pre-season victory for Chelsea was played out at a relaxed pace with goals from Joe Cole and Hernan Jorge Crespo securing the win. Although Chelsea dominated comfortably, finishing remained a problem with Drogba missing two good first half opportunities and Gudjohnsen somehow contriving to miss two open goals from good second half moves. Late excitement was generated when fans spotted snipers on the roof of the stadium and Shanyi was forced to dive behind veteran Chelsea coach Mick McGiven, who took a shot to the chest. Luckily, physio Mike Banks was on hand to patch him up. Roman Abramovich was seen cursing under his breath in the directors' box.

CHELSEA (4-3-2-1): Cech (Cudicini), Ferreira (Johnson), Terry (Carvalho), Gallas (Huth), Del Horno (Bridge); Lampard (J Cole), Makelele (Geremi), Essien (Tiago); Wright-Phillips (Gudjohnsen), Robben (Duff); Drogba (Crespo).

shanyi

CHELSEA GO FOR A BRAZILIAN?

The transfer market kicked off today, following the news that Middlesbrough were following German midfielder Mario Topic and Manchester United were taking an interest in Internazionale midfielder Javier Zanetti, Chelsea have locked themselves into a war for promising Brazilian midfielder Kerlon. A bid of £650,000 has been accepted by Cruzeiro, £50k more than Milan and Valencia have bid thus far. Milan remain the favourites to sign the talented midfielder (destined to appear on FIFA covers by 2008), many feeling Chelsea's volumic squad size might hamper their chances. Chelsea are also rumoured to have bid £500k for Lyn midfielder and former trialist Mikel John-Obi, who had signed a contract with Manchester United before suffering a hissy fit and throwing all his toys out of the pram.

In other Chelsea news, versatile midfielder Joe Cole suffered an ankle injury, ruling him out of the next two pre-season games against Parma and Benfica. He will hope to be fit for the Community Shield game against Manchester United.

shanyi

CHELSEA 2-0 PARMA

Nouveau riche Chelsea edged out nouveau pauvre Parma in an engaging contest with a further two goals from Didier Drogba, taking his pre-season tally to an impressive four, making the difference. Parma set out their stall to attack, with Ferretti, Bresciano and Simplicio all taking aim at Carlo Cudicini's goal. At the other end, Robben fired just wide from a killer ball from 'Fat' Frank Lampard, Makelele made a fool of himself from outside the area (Mrs. Jones, aged 80 and seated in row Z, should be out of hospital within a week, reports say) and Lampard himself was only denied a goal by a wonderful save from Lupatelli. Drogba's strength made the difference though, scoring two headers against a less than convincing Cannavaro. John Terry also headed into the net later on, but his effort was ruled out for a foul.

CHELSEA (4-2-3-1): Cudicini (Cech), Gallas (Ferreira), Terry (Johnson), Huth (Carvalho), Del Horno (Bridge); Geremi (Tiago), Makelele (Essien); Wright Phillips (Gudjohnsen), Lampard (C Cole), Robben (Duff), Drogba (Crespo).

PARMA (4-5-1): Lupatelli, Bovo, Cannavaro, Cardone, Bolano; Savi, Bresciano, Simplicio, Dessena, Vignaroli; Ferretti.

shanyi

CHELSEA 0-0 BENFICA

Two strong defences cancelled each other out in a dull game which left fans so bored, several of them actually remembered who Ian Duncan Smith was. In a game of few opportunities, Lampard struck a free kick inches over the crossbar, Essien had a shot cleared off the line and Gudjohnsen continued his poor pre-season form. At the other end, Cech was tested by Sokota, Roger and Fernandes from range, and later Simao miscued when in a good position. Chelsea, who accepted a challenge from AC Milan for their final pre-season game in six days time yesterday, will be hoping to up their game before the Community Shield match against Manchester United.

CHELSEA (4-3-3): Cech, Ferreira, Terry, Carvalho (Gallas), Bridge (Del Horno); Lampard, Makelele, Tiago (Essien); Crespo (Wright-Phillips), Drogba (Gudjohnsen), Robben (Duff).

BENFICA (4-2-3-1): Quim, Almeida, Luisao, Rocha, dos Santos; Petit, Fernandes; Assis, Roger, Everson; Sokota.

shortdevil10

Go Man United! KUTGW

shanyi

ARSENAL BAG CITY YOUNGSTER
Transfer latest

ARSENAL have signed up promising young MAN CITY striker DEAN STURRIDGE for a fee of £325,000 (a fee instantly recouped by their sale of MURPHY MITCHELL, a young midfielder, to LIVERPOOL). The striker, who was highly rated by City manager PSYCHO PEARCE, was determined to move as soon as he heard that the London club were interested. RORY DELAP has followed GORDON STRACHAN to CELTIC for £625,000. The move will surprise Celtic fans, who believed they had unleashed enough hate upon Paul Telfer to stop any Strachan-clingers from following him back to Scotland. RYAN CRESSWELL has secured a free move to LIVERPOOL from SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY, DEAN RICHARDS has moved, for approximately £8.5m less than his original £8.5m move to TOTTENHAM, to WOLVERHAMPTON WANDERERS. CHELSEA have agreed a contract with slick moving Brazilian KERLON and his move from CRUZEIRO is subject to his work permit application being fitted with a suitably large cheque by club oligarch ROMAN ABRAMOVICH. The biggest move of the summer so far has taken place, a £4m move for striker CESAR DELGADO from CRUZ AZUL to FEYENOORD. The move somewhat eclipsed the equally exciting transfers of DAVEY LUKER from RADCLIFFE BORO to DROYLSDEN and the excellently named JONJO DICKMAN taking a step in the right direction, from SUNDERLAND to BLYTH for £1k.

shanyi

MILAN MAULED BY RAMPANT WRIGHT (phillips)
Chelsea 2-0 Milan

After a tepid performance against Benfica, Chelsea produced a fine display to see off last year's Champions' League losers (in every sense) AC Milan. Chelsea started with what many pundits believe will be their strongest XI, with the exception of Carlo Cudicini, whose father was a Milan legend and who had specially requested to play the full 90mins. Chelsea, who still have yet to score a first half goal in their pre-season, built their game again from the back, the imperious John Terry reigning over Christian Vieri (soon replaced by Alberto Gilardino) and Pippo Inzaghi.

Lampard was again at the forefront of the best moves, striking the post early on and feeding Drogba later, only for the striker to fire wide. Robben and Duff were slicing Simic and Kaladze to pieces on the wings, but their crosses were, unusually, not up to the standard. The introduction of Shaun Wright-Phillips after 60mins was crucial for Chelsea and he took just 5 minutes to give Chelsea a deserved lead, picking up another superb Lampard pass and firing home a curling shot from 20 yards. Chelsea pulled back, bringing on youngster Anthony Grant (leaving Geremi sobbing on the bench), hoping to keep the scoreline. However, Milan's push forward only allowed Crespo more room to manoeuvre and he set up Gudjohnsen, whose pre-season form has so far been patchy at best, to slam home a wicked strike from from 30 yards out.

Chelsea face Manchester United (who recorded a 2-0 victory over Port Vale in only their second pre-season friendly) in the Millennium Stadium for the Community Shield in five days' time.

CHELSEA (4-3-2-1): Cudicini, Ferreira (Johnson), Terry (Huth), Gallas (Carvalho), Del Horno (Bridge); Lampard (Tiago), Makelele (Grant), Essien (Wright-Phillips); Robben (C Cole), Duff (Gudjohnsen); Drogba (Crespo).

MILAN (4-1-2-1-2): Dida, Cafu, Kaladze, Nesta, Maldini; Pirlo; Jankulovski, Seedorf; Kaka; Vieri, Inzaghi.